(Author’s Note: I originally wrote this post for Y2K, but I’ve updated it using plain English. Happy April Fool’s Day 2016!)
A standard force majeure contract clause, where "Acts of God" excuse one party from performing their obligations without that non-performance being a breach of contract, are so 20th Century. So what if fire, flood, hurricane, snowstorm, or riot excuse contractual non-performance. Those events are too mundane to contemplate! Contract lawyers desperately need a force majeure clause for the clear and present dangers of the new(er) millennium! So, as a public service to the legal profession, I’ve assumed the heavy burden of drafting a "new age" force majeure clause for my colleagues to freely use:
Either party's non-performance of this agreement will be excused to the extent that it is caused by the occurrence of any of the following events or circumstances:I'm sure that this clause will start to appear in countless commercial contracts. My fellow contract-drafting lawyers may use it without attribution, but I do request a small donation to my favorite esoteric interviewer, Tim Binnall of Binnall of America.
(i) Alien abduction, alien invasion, alien cerebral possession, or alien pernicious interference with everyday human activities. As used in this provision, "alien" means a life form, whether or not carbon-based, from any other time, world, galaxy, universe, or dimension, including angels, Lucifer and his minions, Yeti (a/k/a Bigfoot), Mothman, Chupacabra, Gozer, Pukwudgies and the so-called "Grays;"
(ii) A pandemic or plague, whether or not caused by an unknown virus released during an alien autopsy at Area 51;
(iii) Seas boiling (whether or not the result of global warming), the rising of the dead (whether or not the dead can be characterized as zombies), super volcanoes, the re-emergence of Atlantis, and dogs and cats living together;
(iv) Destructive power unleashed by any of the following: the finding of the remaining crystal skulls, the reverse engineering of alien technology, or the discovery of the Ark of the Covenant; and
(v) the end of the world as predicted by some strange person on YouTube.
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